Saturday, June 21, 2014

From TMA's Inbox: A Message from a Confused Reader

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Months back, in December 2013, an anonymous (not to mention confused) reader sent me a ridiculous email. I meant to post it as soon as it hit my inbox, but it slipped my mind. Hopefully you find it as humorous as I do.


Dear Metal Advisor, High Exalted Lieutenant of Lucifer,

I would like to formally request that you take time and review my new favorite metal album, Lady Gaga's ARTPOP, as it is the greatest compilation of metal music that has ever graced the pointed, demon-like ears of metal fans around the globe. Listening to songs such as "Sexxx Dreams" really make the poignant message of Lucifer stand out in a way that all worthless, scathed low-life vagabonds around the world can relate to. Further, deeper into the maelstrom of rage and anger that is ARTPOP is the song "Swine," which is a testament to the inferiority of using dirty animals to worship our beloved Dread Father. Just look at this beautifully synchronized chorus, containing moving lyrics like:

"I know, I know, I know you want me
You're just a pig inside a human body
Squealer, squealer, squeal out, you're so disgusting!
You're just a pig inside"

Isn't that just gorgeously brilliant? It is evident that Lucifer's First Lady, Gaga the Demon Queen of Damned Souls, is just another entity pining to appease her dark lord to the best of her ability. Clearly, filthy, oinking pigs are not sufficient, and such a powerful deity of the underworld deserves only the highest quality of helpless, bound animals to have their throats' slit in His honor.

Enter one of the most profound tunes of the album, "Do What U Want," a sung ballad of what a willing vessel, gagged and tied on the sacrificial altar, wants the wretched souls of those seeking to summon our revered Beelzebub to do to their complacent body. Compelling orchestral lyrics such as: 

"You can't have my heard and
You won't use my mind but
Do what you want with my body
Do what you want with my body"

...are signifying that, once killed and drained of blood, the cadaver can be sliced and filleted however the summoners see fit. It is interesting to note that Gaga, High Priestess of the Forsaken, deviates from most metal traditions in that she does not willingly concede her heart to be used during the sacrifice. While this is unusual, it does not alter the notion that Gaga sings of a sacrifice that is most unholy and essential to the metal persona.

Overall, I believe I have made a strong and valid argument for the impeccable ARTPOP to be reviewed and dissected by the one and only Metal Advisor. It would be a true honor for the apostle, Lady Gaga, to be elevated to renown in the eyes of our sacred Dark Lord, which would ultimately lead to the benefit of metal lovers everywhere. Please, oh glorious Metal Advisor, of whom Satan speaks of in his unholy and detestable scripture against the Heavens, help the message of Our Fallen Angel be spread to the world, so that darkness and evil may plague the Earth.

-An Anonymous Reader




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